Please stop your proselytizing.

I know I’m going to sound like a such jerk, but I really wish all those e-proselytizers out there would just shut up. I’m sick of your frequent status updates, pictures, memes, tweets, Vine vids and blog posts. It’s not “good news” to a lot of us.

Told you I’d sound like a jerk.

By the way, I’m not referring to religious proselytizing, although I will say, some of us Christians need to watch it, too. Nah, this post is for those people who can’t, don’t, and won’t stop sharing their conversion to clean living via the paleo diet/ P90X/ Jillien Michaels/ personal trainer/ raw veganism/gluten-free fill in the source. It’s not just that they lost 17 pounds/ have an 8 pack (which sometimes looks creepy)/ can fit into their 8th grade dinner dance dress again… BUT. YOU. MUST. TOO.

Let me explain who I’m *not* talking about first. This isn’t a rant against those who first off, have a medical condition, such as Celiac disease, that necessiates diet restrictions. They really cannot eat gluten, so a twitpic of them showcasing food from a restaurant with awesome gluten free pizza is, understandably, worth tweeting about. I’m also not talking about that friend on Facebook who has struggled with her weight and uses her wall as a kind of interactive journal for encouragement and feedback from loves ones. I’m not referring to people who, due to religious observances such as Ramadan, Lent or Passover, alter their diet and share with followers and friends.

No, I’m calling out the people who get all negative about their friends’ din-din pics. For example:

Susy Happy-baker: Look guys, I attempted my first pot roast and it came out great!

 

Ob-Nox-ious-O-livia: Um… I’m sorry, but that doesn’t look good. Like, at all. Do you know how much fat is in that? I care about my health and I care about you, so I’m going to just let you know, meat is awful for you.

 

Susy Happy-baker: –_–

Way to depress a combox, hypothetical FB “friend”. Often they aren’t so blatant. They might just use a passive aggressive tactic, like linking to a scary story about how lack of regular Cross Fit will result in death by age 32 from a random and very low budget site that looks to sell a lot of power herbal supplements… and then tagging half their friend list to ensure at least a cursory glance.

There are also those interesting hybrids of physical and spiritual holiness who write loooong updates about how they began taking those power herbal supplements, have lost weight, feel great AND are obeying God’s commandments for how truly-true believers are supposed to be living.

 

 

People of God, we are not called to be sick, having to take multiple medicines from worldly doctors who are not about the TRUTH. We need to DECLARE God’s health and strength, speak life over ourselves, and then GET UP! I’ve started walking, and even though my knees hurt, I just rebuke that pain back to Hell! I take my Power Herbal Supplements everyday, too, and I know God will honor all my faith AND work! Faith without works is dead, Saints! I’m taking care of my temple. ARE YOU?

Um… er… okay. Bonus likes if hypothetical “friend” includes another link to the odd website so you can purchase the wonder working power herbal supplements.

Yeah, I’ll repeat I’m being a jerk here, I know. But jerks recognize jerks, Playa.

Look, I’m sure (most) of your online friends, including your play wife and play kids, are super happy for you now that you’ve given up meat/ liquor/ soy/ GMOs. But the thing is, your new role as convert is irritating- irritating like a bunch of smiling Jehovah’s Witnesses somehow getting buzzed into your building at 8AM on a Sunday morning, knocking on your door and offering you the latest Watchtower to you while your standing there with morning breath, eye boogers and a scarf on your head half sleep.* Even if you are open to the “Good News”, it’s all just… too much. 

It’s similar to getting out of work after a horrendously bad day, full of meetings and stress, only to walk to the parking lot and see stuck to your windshield, a glossy Jack Chick tract telling you, in illustrated glory, that you’re going to hell unless you read it and say the prayer on the back flap. Great, so not only are you not being promoted, but you’re going to spend eternity in Hell with pagans, idol worshippers and especially Catholics, because they are actually guilty of the other two things but are somehow worse.**

I could continue with examples of unnecessarily loud Black Hebrew Israelites screaming at commuters, but I think you get the picture. If you have found physical salvation through denial of complex carbs, Pilates or running in giant hamster wheels (yes, this is a thing), good for you. But don’t hurl it at others. It’s off-putting. It’s judgey.

But mostly, it’s jerky, Son.

*Although this is oddly specific, this didn’t occur to me, but to a few friends. I have no beef with JW’s, but you all might want to consider not doing any field work until 10AM on weekends. Just a suggestion.

**Unfortunately, this has happened to me. I loathe Jack Chick tracts. They’ve always creeped me out. And no, I don’t view Catholics like this.