East Of Eden

"A curious mix of the relevant and reverential"


Throwback Thursday: Circles, Squares & Me.

Note: This post first appeared on my old blog, Far AboveRubies, on September 21, 2012. ~Alisha

 

When I sat in that doctor's office over a year and a half ago, being told I should consider terminating my Zoe because I might have a genetic condition that I may pass on to my daughter, I knew deep in my heart, she was- and is- a gift. I knew that even if some cold, detached doctor did not, could not, would not see her value, she deserved life. And when she was born, a beautiful, squiggly girl of seven pounds and seven ounces and a long twenty inches, the precious gift I was blessed to carry for thirty-eight weeks entered the world, full of curiosity, attentiveness and hunger. Zoe Lyne Hope. Zoe means "life". Abundant life.

 The first time I held my precious little Zoe.
 

The thing is, while I had all the hope in the world for my sweet baby girl, the doctor's advice cut me deeply. Whether she was aware of it or not, she had sent a very clear message. If my daughter should die because she might wind up like me, why should I go on living? Tough words for me to write, but they were downright terrifying for me to think, believe and finally live. I began to see myself through broken, twisted lens. As my health declined last year, this view quietly took a hold of me, so thoroughly that when I was admitted to the hospital to treat my neurological problems, I felt I was wasting the doctors' and nurses' valuable time. I was squandering our insurance money. What made me worth helping? I was on medical leave from work, not bringing in a paycheck. My FMLA time was up, and my last disability payment from having Zoe had come two months before all this. In Randian speak, I was a taker, mooching off those who truly count, the makers. Circles and squares. My thoughts were caught in a seemingly endless loop of boxed in despair and brokenness.

Right after getting the tube used for plasmapheresis (dialysis) removed from my neck. It had been in for 9 days.
 
 
Oh, how God works through the broken. Through liars, adulterers, punks, whores, murderers, the blind, and the enslaved.
 
And in a little squiggly five month old named Zoe.
 
To some I might be a carrier of deficiency and defects. To others, a huge and unnecessary expense. 
 
To Zoe, I'm mommy, giver of food, milk, kisses, hugs and baths. 
 
Giver of Life.
 
The more I have given to Life, the more purpose I have received.
 
I chose Life, and she gives life to me.
 
 
 
My first time back at church after being released from the hospital.
 
 

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