I have a certain friend, a great guy I've known since I was a gawky teen, and who continues to be my friend in  my fully grown yet still gawky state. He has always been strong- fights hard, works hard, but loves the hardest.


When he married a few years ago, I was a little worried. Now that he's divorced, I'm very hurt. And taken aback that he is not the only guy I know in this situation. In fact, I know about 4.

Now, these men are far from perfect. No one except God is. Yet in all these collapsed marriages, the women openly and willingly admitted the men they promised to be with until death had never hit, pushed, sexually or emotionally accosted them. They quite simply, no longer wanted to be married.

Of course, there is nothing really simple about dissolving one's marriage, except for my simple-minded incomprehension as I sat at a showing of "The Devil Wears Prada" with one of these ladies a few years back. We had gone to the mall to do a little window shopping, and for what seemed to be the entire trip, this young lady- I'll call her Amber- complained non-stop about what her husband wasn't doing. He wasn't buying her new clothes or shoes or taking her on vacations. She worked hard, many days 10 hours. And well, he worked, too, but it wasn't fair he didn't buy her more.

"Can he afford to buy you all that stuff?" I asked. She looked at me as if I were stupid. "MY FATHER works two even three jobs to make sure Mama gets everything she wants and deserves! Sometimes, he is away for weeks, working at construction sites to ensure it!" My thoughts: "Wow." and "Eww."

Now maybe that "Eww" was harsh, but the whole conversation stank to high heaven to me. One, because I do not like being looked at as if I am stupid. Unless I admittedly, say or do something honestly stupid, in which case your "You Big Dummy"-face will probably wake me into clarity of speech or action (let's hope). Two, expecting your husband to work two or three jobs so you can have "stuff"- and not the essentials like food, shelter and clothing, but purses and shoes with price tags that look like zip codes- grates at me the wrong way. Three, I did not enjoy missing Anne Hathaway's frumpy transit to work to hear a girl who sounded like one of her snotty onscreen magazine co-workers. But without the very cute ensembles, of course.

I suppose this is just a sign of the times. Recently, I wrote about brides-to-be gone wild, and in a story from FoxNews I quoted, there was an advice columnist, April Masini, who commented on the current state of marriages: "I can tell you just from questions I get on my site there are more women having affairs than men and there are more men getting dumped by women. ... Women have less reasons to get married or remain in a marriage than they ever did before." 

I suppose, not getting enough Gucci pumps or Louis Vuitton purses can be a reason. For another one of the aforementioned divorcees, the ex-bride jolted to the divorce lawyer after her hubby proposed... starting a family. Childhood nursery rhymes of "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage" aside, she- let's call her Jasmine- was so utterly opposed to babies- even in a few years- she chose to end her marriage of about five years.


One of the things which turned me off to reading "Eat, Pray Love" is Elizabeth Gilbert's foggy dismantling of her marriage. To her credit, she never disses her Ex, and is quick to take the blame for wanting and getting out. Yet, like Jasmine, her breaking point came at a time many women rejoice over- the plans for having children. Now, far be it for me to impose children on everyone. Lord knows there are plenty of people on this planet who really SHOULDN'T REPRODUCE. I found it odd, though, she could be married to a man who loved her, put his career, his plans, himself after her and her writing dreams... let that sink in... have the lovely home they both always wanted... and finally, around 30... while sobbing on the bathroom floor, she realizes then... THEN... she did not want THAT life. Despite the fact it was the life she made.

Now I can say Liz does grow A LOT throughout her travels- to Italy, India and Indonesia. Funny how she pointed out how all those places begins with a capital "I".


Another girl I know got hitched- only to ditch her groom before a tan line started to develop on her ring finger. The very same things she loved about him while they were dating- his commitment to God, desire to go into the ministry, his "good guy" sweetness- were instantly repulsive in marriage. Their marriage annulled, she jumped into a long term dating relationship which turned into cohabitation and a child together. But fortunate for her, no wedding.

But you cannot unscramble an egg. This post is really for the women out there who are seriously dating a nice guy or maybe engaged and planning a wedding. India Arie sings in "Can I Walk With You": "Now everyday ain't gonna be like a summer's day/ Being in love for real it ain't like a movie screen..." Marriage, while beautiful, is hard. And at times, ugly. It really is not to be entered into lightly. If you're thinking, even deep down "I can get out of this if I want to", then don't get into it. Also, most churches have premarital counseling, just as many Family & Marriage Counselors are happy to do sessions for the affianced. Go. There are many things- like money, children, careers, and expectations- which must be discussed before the vow swap.


My greatest hope, though, is for the wives who are now considering the big "D" since the glow has faded from their honeymoon period bliss. Stop. Just stop and think of what your motivations are. Is it because he's not treating you like the little Disney Princess you believe you are? How about flipping the script. Are you treating him like Prince Charming? Do you respect, love, pray for and place him above yourself? Do you call him throughout the day to say "I love you"? Stay and watch the game with him? Give him time to hang out with his friends? Show him affection? Take him out on a date? Encourage his goals? Support his dreams?

If you're considering divorce, please think about the Golden Rule in earnest. It has a beautiful way of making even the dullest of rainbows shine anew.