A painting I did last week of my heart through shards.

 

 

Last week Rod Dreher posted a link to a story giving advice to Evangelical pastors on affairs:

 

Paul Levy, writing at Reformation21, an online magazine for Evangelicals in the Reformed tradition, says he knows a couple of pastors who have recently destroyed their ministries and lost their families, apparently through marital infidelity. He offers advice to pastors on how to deal (and how not to deal) with that temptation. I found this article through First Things‘ David Mills, who says it’s good advice for us all; I agree. I especially liked these two parts:

 

- accountability doesn’t work - If you’re going to sleep with your brother’s wife, you are probably going to lie to your brother about it. I’m not convinced about men meeting up in groups to keep them accountable. There is a need for good friendships between peers, having older men you turn to and couples who share your life. Do you have someone who, if you fell into sin, you could honestly tell and they would rebuke you. If you can’t think of that person you’re in trouble. Are there people who you can share struggles with? Last week a good friend asked me that question and I was so encouraged that he was brave enough to ask me that.

 

I hope I would have someone who would treat me that way. But I have to wonder: would I treat someone else that way? I really don’t know. I mean, I think I would, but I can’t say for sure. The only instance I can think of in my past is when one spouse left the other apparently out of boredom. I was friends with both of them, and sided personally with the abandoned spouse, but didn’t say anything to the one who left because I told myself one never knows what goes on inside a marriage, and besides, I want to be friends with both. I still don’t know if that was the right thing to do, and ended up drifting from both people, for reasons unrelated to the split. Mind you, I wasn’t in church with either person, but they were friends of mine, and reading this Levy piece this morning makes me feel slightly crummy that I didn’t at least try. Then again, I am absolutely confident it would have done no good.

 

That got me to thinking... especially after reading a number of the comments under Rod's post. Many people shared that they, like Rod, didn't say anything when one of their friends confessed to stepping out on their spouse. Thing is, I have spoken up when friends told me they were doing dirt. In fact, for a couple of them, I tore them a new one. But that was only with people I'm extremely close with and only after I was asked for my opinion and advice. Our friendships didn't bust up. Actually, we are even closer.

 

Now, I'll say this. I do have a way of separating out people's actions from the person making them. I'm not perfect at this, but good enough so that I can go on loving and respecting someone who is screwing up. As I've said it before, I'm comfortable living in shades of gray. It's not that I don't believe there is wrong and right, or black and white, because I do. It's just I realize when it comes to people, the colors blend and blur so much that if I can only accept purity, then no one, including myself, will be good enough to love.

 

Have you ever spoken up? Or did you hold your peace? Why or why not? On the topic of cheating, do you think it's ever justifiable? Or at least understandable? Is it an automatic relationship ender? Or just par for the course?